Peace and Quiet...? [Gives Light Raphael | Closed]

Today had been a day of normalcy.

Ever since I'd been given the pills to help me sleep, I'd actually manage to start to regulate my sleep schedule. Sure, it was difficult to sleep through the screams, the talking, the people pounding on the wall, but I was certainly getting there.

Some nights I found myself pacing the room still, however, and tonight was no different. If today had been normal, tonight had been completely opposite. Thoughts had been going through my mind, I'd heard bits of people yelling, and my head was throbbing. Sookyoung had been whiny, Wonsik had been cussing, and I just wanted sleep. Was that too much to ask?

Instead I was walking around, trying to find something to focus on so the voices echoing around me would quiet themselves.

I ended up sitting on the slightly wobbly table in the room, not scared of the slight shake because I knew my slightly diminished weight wouldn't bother it much.

I hadn't been eating.

I should really start.

But that meant leaving my room, interacting with people, seeing the faces all around... The meeting with the painting had been enough for me, and the second one where I met with the doctors had been overkill.

I liked my alone time.

I did not like the people around me screaming their heads off, though.

There were a few moments of silence before I turned around in my seat on the table, punching the wall harshly.

"Fuckin' shut UP!" I screamed angrily, then almost immediately recoiled as I furrowed my brows and pushed myself back off the table so I was standing. I didn't want to deal with Wonsik right now. Instead I looked down, massaging now sore knuckles as I whimpered at the sudden pain.

With a sudden and contagious uproar spreading through the sleepy hallways a small mob of nurses and on call doctors were dispatched to quell the discontent. Raphael Gives Light checked his watch and shrugged into a crisp white lab coat, his long legs sweeping him in step with the frantic staff as they jogged along, preparing sedatives. Raphael had other ideas on how best to calm a bout of mania and therefore came empty handed.

The doctor in charge, a man he'd only spoken with in passing, assigned room numbers and names of patients to check in on. The Native nodded his agreement and gently knocked upon his allocated door. Hongbin's records had been handed to him and he began scanning through them before he allowed himself in.

"Mr. Lee," He started carefully observing his patient's mannerisms. "Neighbors keeping you up tonight?" Humor wasn't really the doctor's strong point and his severe face did little to help, but even friendly banter could help break the grip of stress. Keen brown eyes caught the boy's comforting motion of hand over hand, the knit eyebrows, the fretful expression and it didn't take much to deduce that he was standing on an edge and could tip in either direction.

Raphael set the clipboard down on the dresser by the doorway. Writing notes and thoughts right now seemed to be a good way to encourage suspicion and what he needed for the time being was trust. Or at least a mutual understanding.

"Apologies for introducing myself so late at night," He quietly shut the door and stood casually leaning against the wall, his hands in plain view. "I'm Dr. Gives Light. How are you doing, Mr. Lee?"

It was really disconcerting that everyone here knew my name before they introduced themselves to me.

The second the door opened I all but jumped back, visibly a bit shaken as I took in a quick breath. He had literally just walked into my room - I hated that. The people that worked here could invade my privacy whenever they wanted to and I never knew if I was safe or not. Clearly this was one of those times, and I bit my lower lip.

Another person I'd never seen before...

I watched as the man in front of me set down his clipboard and relaxed against the wall. That made me relax a bit as well, though it wasn't particularly noticeable. I kept rubbing my hand, though, until he spoke again. I decided to ignore his first hint of a joke, just staring at him blankly before I looked away and shrugged.

"Bad. Tired..." I mumbled, hand pushing my hair out of my face instead of massaging the sore knuckles. When he mentioned his name I quirked a brow, blinking a few times. "... Your name... is..."

My voice trailed off as I looked at the doctor with wide eyes, silent for a moment before I shook my head and looked down.

"I'm sorry... He doesn't know when to calm down with the violence," I muttered, shrugging. I was clearly referring to Wonsik. My head was throbbing almost as badly as my hand and he was to blame.

Honey colored eyes narrowed slightly as he inclined his chin. He hadn't much time to read in depth about Hongbin's disorder but to be honest, Raphael wanted hear about the boy's personalities from his own mouth rather than read through clinical and detached notes.

So the kid knew of the separate entities in his head? That was a good start. "Mr. Lee, why don't you sit down and if it's alright with you, we can talk for a little bit?" The Native moved carefully to the chair in the corner and flipped it around, straddling it backwards as he always did. Somehow sitting properly in a chair as it was intended was too awkward, too uncomfortable and besides, this informal posture was more open and tempered. Raphael also found that the back of the chair often acted as a sort of barrier between himself and his patient. The shield it created typically lowered defenses and let his patients relax more even as their small places of safety were being invaded. Raphael's large presence definitely invaded.

He hadn't missed that look Hongbin delivered upon hearing his name. It was a look he got quite often outside the reservation. He couldn't blame people, 'Gives Light' was an action description - not a name. His mouth twisted in what could have been labeled a small smile. "You can ask questions if you want". As a psychiatrist, Raphael had to ask his patients to become an open book and speak with brutal honesty. For trust's sake, it only made sense that he do the same within reason.

"But before that, why don't you tell me who "he" is?" The doctor's kind eyes settled in on the red, angry flesh of Hongbin's knuckles and he frowned. He made a mental note to have a nurse come in afterwards to wrap that up.

Talk... Everyone always wanted to talk. At least this man was more casual about it than the other doctors had been. Well, except for the red-headed one. He'd been relaxed.

It took me a moment before I sighed a bit shakily and sat down on the bed, legs crossed and gaze focused downward as the other man spoke. I kept my eyes on the bedding as I toyed with it absently, teeth paying angry attention to the inside of my lip. I needed a distraction when I was forced into a conversation like this.

"No... I think it's nice," I mumbled, shaking my head and keeping my focus downward still. At the question however, I finally looked up, brows knit together in worry as I noticed the doctor glance at my hand. I immediately covered it.

"He..." I started, then let out a shaky breath and started again. "Wonsik is just... he's angry. Is all." There was a lot more than that but I wasn't sure how to explain him.

Unfortunately for Hongbin, talking was required as the primary function in attempts to get well and stable. Raphael would be asking for an awful lot of talking in the future and hopefully the boy would comply as a trust bond was formed.

Wonsik... He did his best to commit that to memory. The word or name was foreign to him and he secretly wished for his notes and records that rested on top of Hongbin's dresser. Brown eyes observed the boy's shy and closed off demeanor knowing that Hongbin's silent communication would be vital once his other personalities started showing themselves. Again, he wished he had his notes to scribble a few drawings.

"Why is Wonsik angry?" Raphael asked. His line of questioning was always simple, nondescript inquiries without any prompt. He wasn't there to put ideas in his patients heads, but rather absorb the answers they came up with on their own.

I knew this kind of thing was needed, that I'd have to explain the whole situation multiple times to multiple people. But that didn't mean I had to like doing it. I noticed the other looking me over and it was odd. I wasn't used to being studied like this, and it just made me play with my hands even more, fingers tracing my nails as I pursed my lips.

"Why?" I asked in response, letting out a little huff and looking up at the man sitting across from me. I generally tried not to make eye contact with people, but this once I made an exception, nibbling on the inside of my cheek as I let out a shaky breath.

"He wants to protect me," I admitted softly, letting my cheek go as I spoke. "But he gets territorial. And... Violent." He was the reason that I had so many bruises and cuts all the time, at least that's what I assumed. I almost mumbled the last part, looking down mid-sentence and feeling a throb in my head.

I'd almost forgotten I'd had a headache.

At least the screaming had seemed to quiet down a bit outside. I glanced out the door in any case, brows furrowed as the silence dragged through the room. Eventually I looked back to the doctor, licking my lips almost nervously.

"You're one of the nicest doctors here," I murmured, even managing a bit of a dimpled smile before looking back down.

Ahh, there was a key word! Protection. It was blatantly obvious that the boy felt uncomfortable, especially in this room under present circumstances but apparently there was some genuine fear locked up as well. The concern was what was the boy afraid of? Raphael couldn't get ahead of himself though, he was sure he'd have to earn Hongbin's respect before any honest answers to those types of questions would be revealed.

Half of his eyes disappeared when he offered up a genuine grin. That didn't happen often, and it wasn't as if Raphael were an unhappy person, quite the opposite in fact. It would seem that he had gone so long with a naturally scowling face that painting emotion across it seemed almost... weird. The kids he'd grown up with always seemed surprised to see him with a smile or a worried brow or even tears. Sure, emotions were always felt and could easily be expressed in words but they rarely ever showed. He might chalk it all up to being full blooded Shoshone - a tribe that taught it's children from infancy not to cry by smothering them.

And as of right now Hongbin's compliment was adequately received with that rare grin and a nod of the head to express his thanks.

The Native canted his head slightly as Hongbin's own smile wavered and disappeared. Was the Asian embarrassed? Did he feel shame at Wonsik's behavior? The boy's unconscious actions seemed to be screaming at him: a timid voice, a bowed head and restless fingers. Most people weren't aware that their innermost thoughts were often translated upon their features. In some cases gestures were easy to read, other times the speed at which a person blinked, a twitch of the lips, or the subtle flare of the nostrils took a more trained eye. "Mr. Lee, are you aware of yourself when Wonsik is in control? Can you see what he is doing?" Raphael had all the time in the world to get to know why these personalities did what they did, but it was relevant to know if Hongbin was conscious of what they were doing while they were doing it.

Even this early in the game, Raphael was beginning to wonder if Hongbin wasn't actually afraid of his own defense mechanism.

The silence seemed to drag on for ages after I spoke, but the smile I was offered in response was a nice change from the scowl that seemed to take residence on the other man's face. It made the corners of my lips quirk up for another moment before the silence was finally broken and I glanced back up at the doctor.

In response I just shook my head, brows knit together. I didn't know anything that happened when they took over. I only ever guessed what was going on from context clues or people telling me after. Sighing softly, I pushed myself back in the bed, back resting against the wall and knees pulled up to my chest.

"I don't know what happens when either of them take over," I answered, chin resting on my knees. I glanced up at the other man again, not moving my head but letting my eyes meet his. "I just figure it out as I go..."

And that was the truth. Sometimes I never found out - I had little dark spots.

Swallowing deeply, I bit my lip again.

Sometimes I was honestly afraid of what he'd do...

Raphael wouldn't have minded diving in a bit deeper with that subject and he would eventually but time constrained him to obtaining more general knowledge. So far he'd learned that Hongbin had three separate people sharing his one body. One was a shy, awkward and strangely endearing boy. The second was, at this point, unknown and the third seemed to be a protective response against fear and/or anxiety. More information would likely have to be obtained from Wonsik himself.

The doctor leaned back in the chair, not particularly liking Hongbin's body language. The way his thin limbs covered and closed himself up seemed to signal it was time to stop. Raphael checked his watch. It wasn't terribly late but perhaps it was late enough to call off the line of questioning. The Native always let his patient dictate their time with him. Whether it was hours of in depth discussion or just a few minutes of pleasantries, he was always a listening ear and sometimes it only took a few nondescript words to experience a break through and therefore he didn't wish to push too hard.

"You're doing very good, Mr. Lee. Let's stop here for now."

I didn't know where he was planning on going with this next, but I was hoping it was in the opposite direction of dealing with Wonsik. Now I had a very legitimate headache and I didn't want to try and handle him. With how everything was quieting down outside, though, it seemed like I wasn't going to have to. For that, I was thankful.

I was doing well? That was a nice thing to hear, and I had to smile in response though I hid my face against my knees as it happened, shoulders shrugging inward. It was a positive response despite the usual negative connotations of folding myself inward. When he spoke, though, I honestly surprised myself by immediately lifting my head, eyes a bit wide.

"No, you... You can stay, if you want..." I said, loud out first though it ended up quieting down to a soft mumble. I looked away, letting out a little sigh.

I actually felt a bit more relaxed than I had in a while, though I had a suspicion that that feeling would be gone as soon as the doctor left. Instead of continuing on, I looked down, one hand reaching up to play with the hair at the nape of my neck.

"Unless you have to leave. Then that's fine." I added that on, nodding as I looked back up to the doctor with an almost unnoticeable smile. "... Is it okay if I call you by your first name?" I asked, cocking my head a bit.

Hongbin's sudden confession of loneliness startled him and broke his heart a little bit. It seemed likely that the boy hadn't exactly made many friends here, if any at all and that was certainly tragic. Not unheard of, but tragic.

Shifting in his chair, Raphael inclined his chin, honey brown eyes scrutinizing his patient as if he had some unknown power to physically see a reason for deception. First name? This was a request he hadn't encountered before. People simply didn't care to be on a first name basis with the scowling Indian and frankly he didn't care one way or the other. For a moment he thought about protocol. Was it ethical to let your patient refer to you that intimately? Did it really matter?

There was absolutely nothing about Hongbin that screamed out ulterior motives so after a short eternity, Raphael nodded almost imperceptibly. "Only during our sessions, alright?" His voice was laced with seriousness but a second rare smile chased it away as he held out his right hand to greet Hongbin properly. "It's Raphael."

I felt awkward suddenly as silence took over the room once more. I'd done it again - I'd said something weird and made the whole interaction uncomfortable. That's why I hated talking with people: I always did something wrong.

At this point I was honestly a bit surprised that I hadn't heard as much as a peep from either Wonsik or Sookyoung. I didn't mind. The later or earlier it was, provided I wasn't a already out doing something, the less chance I had of the two of them making an appearance. I'd learned that after years of them - if I was at home, I tended to be left alone.

As the doctor extended his hand and spoke I looked up, nodding in response a bit enthusiastically and feeling my lips soften into a smile from their previous tense pursing. I reached out, though I had to admit I hesitated. My hand still hurt, but I shook his - Raphael's - a moment later anyway.

Raphael was an easy name to remember.

"You can call me by my first name too, if you want. I like it more than Lee." I kept my hand in his for a bit longer than I'd anticipated, looking down after a moment and pulling my hand back to rest on my lap as my posture shifted so I was once again simply sitting. "My sisters used to just call me Bean." I chuckled a bit, pushing my hair messily off my forehead.

"How long have you worked here?" I asked, one brow quirked as my eyes met Raphael's again. "Your air is different than the rest."

Extended contact wasn't anything to get suspicious over and it might have even been missed if he hadn't been engaged in such keen observations. Among them was a mess of scars that littered the other's arms. He didn't like that and it would have to be addressed sometime soon whether the boy wanted to or not.

So first names it was then. Maybe even nicknames? Raphael couldn't help picturing the boy tiny enough to fit in the palm of his hand when he mentioned his designated epithet. He swallowed down what could have been laughter. Would the Asian kid also laugh if he knew Raphael's nickname was Weda (Bear in Shoshone)?

When Hongbin spoke again Raphael knew where it was going. "Your air is different than the rest." Basic translation: How come you're not bat-shit-crazy like the other staff? Internally, he chuckled at that. Truth be told, Raphael could be just as crazy as the others. no doubt there quite a few old classmates and professors that thought as much, but Hongbin was right about his air being quite different. Raphael had always emitted a feeling of trustworthiness that to this date had never been betrayed.

"I'll take that as a compliment. I've worked here three months give or take." Raphael wasn't sure if that would instill confidence or dread. On one hand there wasn't much time for the man to have been corrupted, on the other, it made him sound like a novice without a clue. "What about you, Hongbin? You haven't been here very long either have you?"

I glanced down at my arms almost immediately after I got settled, turning them so that less of the scars and marks showed as the other man talked. He certainly should take it as a compliment - I didn't offer those much. Instead I just let him continue as I nodded in agreement, focus once again centered on the fabric I was sitting on.

"Three months?" I asked in response, a timid bit of a smirk teasing the corners of my lips up. "So not enough time for the crazies to get to you?" I looked up after that, still playing with the sheets as our eyes met once again, the smirk widening to a smile, though it was one tinged with a bit of sadness.

Clearly I was poking fun at myself. I knew there was something wrong with me. I knew I was 'off', that I probably should have gotten help a long time before. My parents were convinced that it was just something that I would grow out of, so they'd ignored the first diagnosis completely. Had it not been for me getting into trouble, I would probably have never made it here. Besides, as if that wasn't a big enough problem, my arms were covered in scars from times before, I wasn't eating, and I was nearly clinically depressed most of the time. I don't know how noticeable it was to anyone else, but the lack of food was starting to become apparent to even myself.

It wasn't like I left the room to look at the mirror much, but that was beside the point.

"Sorry," I mumbled after a moment, shaking my head. "I've only been around here a few weeks," I admitted softly, letting out a little sigh. Who knew how long I'd be here, though...

A few weeks huh? Raphael assumed his suspicions about the boy's lack of friends were true indeed. It was hard enough to make friends in the real world much less when you were labeled crazy. Or Indian. He supposed he didn't have much of a leg to stand on as he hadn't exactly made great relationships in this place either, yet it wasn't for a lack of trying. He thought of his shoddy back and forth with Mori, respectful yet uncomfortable exchanges with Murata and the non existent fellowship with Tighe. This was probably why Raphael felt such affinity for his patients -- it was easy to know the sort of withdrawals from society they were going through.

His train of thoughts derailed as he pulled back to mull over the kid's quiet apology. "No," he spoke not unkindly. "Don't apologize for anything you say when talking to me, Hongbin. I want an open line from your head to your mouth, alright? Don't censor anything. If you need to cuss, cuss; if you need to scream, scream, but always tell the truth," Raphael raised his brows expectant of an answer as he shifted on the chair again.

I frowned.

"But I feel bad for saying it..." I mumbled, nibbling on my bottom lip and trying to decide just what to say next. It was times like these where it was so clear I had no idea how to interact with people. Interaction made me stiff, unsure, and stressed. That was why I was playing with the bedding, my clothes, my hair, my lips... I needed something to distract me.

"Raphael..." I started, looking up, "do you... can you help me?" I asked softly, brows knit together. It might have been an awkward question, but all I wanted was some reassurance, a shoulder to lean on... Anything, really. And Raphael was the most normal person I'd met.

I might be a loner, but I still liked having someone I knew was there.

Using someone's name was a new thing for me, though...

And now it was Raphael's turn to frown.

He felt heartsick for this person. This adult with child-like behavior. This child with adult-like experiences. Raphael wanted to lie to him. Wanted to tell him everything would be okay and the process would be easy and painless because in the end that's what he deserved. It's what they all deserved. But Raphael wasn't much of a liar after all and it was one of the reasons he left the reservation in search of a better way to serve his fellow human beings.

He laced his fingers together and pursed his lips. "I'll do everything I can, Hongbin. It won't be easy and there will surely be times when you don't want to see me or even feel that you hate me, but I won't give up on you. That's a promise." Inwardly that was also his promise to himself.

I swallowed deeply, letting out a little sigh and smiling, though it was clear that it was laced with a tired sadness. It was nice, hearing someone actually say that to me. The smile was wide nonetheless, which perhaps made it a bit more depressed, dimpled cheeks hiding the biting of lips that came when I looked down again.

I didn't know what would be alright, what wouldn't, but I ended up reaching out and leaning forward a bit, hands resting on both of Raphael's with a little hint of shaking. Sitting like this it was clear how frail I was, how needy, how tired... But I continued looking down, head bowed forward.

"Thanks," I mumbled softly, nodding. "... I know it's hard to look at someone like me and say I'll be okay, so... thanks."

I had to look utterly pathetic, but I couldn't help it.

Protocol made it impossible for Raphael to comfort Hongbin further, but he didn't remove himself from the contact. His hands were large, dark skinned and still bore the roughness of his love for working outdoors, but they were warm and kind.

He allowed his lips to form a small grin when it dawned on him that this boy was Huittsuu. A little bird. Fragile and timid. Unknown experiences forcing him to retreat and his own defense mechanisms causing him to circumvent even further and yet at the same time he was reaching out to anyone that could help break his fall. What a sad, desperate situation. He'd have to talk through a proper course of treatment with Murata, because just like his other patients, Huittsuu-- Hongbin, required it and deserved to get well.

"You have to put in the effort, you know? But I'm sure things will get better if you really want it to."

I'd tried to work through this, but the more I tried the harder it seemed to be to get better. In fact, I was probably getting worse - I couldn't keep anyone to themselves anymore, I couldn't hold back any weird outbursts... I wanted things to get better, I really did. But I didn't know how to start.

"I do..." I started softly, looking at Raphael's hands for a moment and cocking my head. They were rough and strong, pretty much the opposite of my own, and it was different to feel. I blinked, hands absently wrapping more around Raphael's hands.

I didn't know if it was a way to just cling to the fact that someone was here that wanted to help me, or just the want to hold someone's hand while I tried to figure out this whole thing, but it was nice.

"I don't know how to fix myself," I mumbled, eyes still trained on the other man's hands. There was a moment of silence before I sighed, looking down and letting my hands cling just that much tighter. "... I don't know if I can. And that feeling is awful."

"You won't be doing this alone," He reminded the boy. He wanted to remind him that the entire staff was at his disposal and he could have help from anyone any time he needed it, however he wasn't exactly sure that was the case. Regardless, Raphael did have faith that his colleagues would also do their best for Hongbin's sake. The Native was more worried about what the other patients might do to the boy's resolve. People could always be cruel, especially those doing their own fair share of suffering.

Raphael still hadn't shied away from his patient but he was growing concerned about where this could lead. He'd have to stay vigilant. He wanted to be that cornerstone for Hongbin but he couldn't allow him to drift too close. Overstepping that line would do the kid no good and the last thing Raphael wanted was to be accused of inappropriate relationships that would ultimately lead to his abandoning of his patients. That was a real fear. He was already suspicious that Murata had the wrong impression of him.

Nevertheless, Raphael shifted and tugged one hand free to scruff through Hongbin's hair. He may have been treating the kid like a lost puppy, but the affection was genuine.

A smile perked my lips when the doctor spoke, though when he pulled his hand away the smile fell away as well as I nodded, looking up. I would let him play with my hair though I usually reserved that right for myself alone. My eyes squeezed shut as his hands moved my head along with my hair, and I couldn't help the little laugh that was barely audible as he finished.

"I know," I replied, words soft. "I'm just..."

Scared? Unsure? Confused? Maybe a mixture of everything. It was a hard feeling to describe so instead I just sighed, eventually letting Raphael's hand go and moving both of my hands instead to rest in my lap.

I might be a bit awkward, but I knew when I was supposed to stop, and when hands were pulled away from other hands it generally meant that I was supposed to let go. I just wasn't used to someone actually actively trying to help me, someone believing that something was wrong that could be helped.

"It just means a lot... It means a lot to hear stuff like this..." I mumbled, eyes once more trained on my hands as my fingers linked absently together.

"It's alright," The doctor murmured as he patted Hongbin on the side of the head. He had to get this one well, but first the kid would need to sleep.

The wooden chair squeaked and protested when he stood up and returned it to it's rightful place; forward facing and in the corner. Without words he marched across the room to retrieve his notes and charts, using the pen that had been hidden away in his breast pocket to scribble a few things before popping his head out the doorway to flag down a nurse. He mumbled something inaudibly to him and waited until he scurried away before turning back.

Raphael's eyes narrowed slightly as he stood watching the boy for a minute longer, his right hand jostling his pen between the knuckles. Internally his brain was mulling over options but nothing would have the instantaneous results he desired. That was bothersome. The Native cleared his throat and was back at Hongbin's bedside in three long strides. He gestured for the kid to lay back and flicked a blanket up over him.

"Mr. Hernandez," He started referring to the nurse he was just speaking with, "is going to come back and give you something to take." At that he rose his hand in case Hongbin had any protests. "It will help you get some sleep tonight and in the morning Dr. Murata and I will come up with a course of action for you. Sound good? Try to hang in there a little while longer and be positive, okay?" He provided a small grin for reassurance before exiting the room. Once in the hallway, he checked his watch again. Five more hours until another twelve hour shift, with any luck a few minutes of sleep would do him some good as well.

I watched Raphael peek out of the room and quietly wondered what he was doing, though his return immediately answered my unasked questions. I let myself lie down, eyes not quite meeting Raphael's as he covered me up.

I hadn't been taken care of like this in a really long time.

Nodding silently, I let him leave without even a peep. I didn't really want to talk to the new nurse that walked in, but considering he was giving me something to help me sleep I figured I should at least be cordial. So I mustered a weak smile, brows furrowed as I took the pill and laid back down.

Once the nurse left I was turned on my side, letting out a little sigh as I closed my eyes. I was quietly thankful for Raphael, for how he wanted to actually take care of me. It was nice.

For the first night in a while I actually got a good night's sleep.